There is poor and there is rich and you are probably somewhere in between. Chances are, you'd like to be on the higher end of that scale. In fact, there are very few people that aspire to be poor. Unless you're a Yogi, it's looked down upon. The sad truth is that everybody needs money. Even people who follow the Grateful Dead need cold cash to purchase tickets, marijuana and offensive smelling oils.
So, learn to love money. Because money separates those of us who can from those who can't afford to. It makes the difference between Spago and Sbarro, Fiat and Ferrari, Red Roof Inns and the Ritz. Money has many rules. One is that people that act poor, aren't. That lovable Deadhead for instance. She's groovy. She's earthy. She buys lots of weed and wishes we could all get along. She drives a BMW and has a bank account that magically refills. Know one? Thought you did.
Some people are good with money. Others aren't. Ross Perot? Good with money. Willie Nelson? Bad. That explains marriage. The prospect of seeing the same person for the rest of your life is made a lot easier by knowing that that person can help balance your checkbook. Bounce a few checks and you'll see the light too. It's not love, it's business. And if you're smart, you'll go marry an economics major. Sure they're boring, they have to be. But they'll have money. If you're in theater school, you won't.
Speaking of school-isn't money the reason people go? Nobody takes Applied Physics because they love applying physics to things. People study neutrinos and quasars and foreign economies because their mothers said it was a great career. And what is a great career? Something that pays you a foolish amount of money. Bad news: there are some very well-read bartenders with a background in physics. Cheers!
Her comeback tour may have failed miserably, but Cyndi Lauper was awfully close to the truth when she sang "Money Changes Everything." In the Real World, money is everything. The remainder of your adult life will focus on how much you're making, how much your best friend is making, and how much you'd have to make to live the way you feel you're entitled to.
Without money, you wouldn't have things like banks. Or the Home Shopping Network. Or Psychic Friends. So yes, the world would be a better place. But let's face it-the world is pretty much a shitty place, and you'll find that money is in abundance. Usually someone else has it.
Good news for evil people: Money does not discriminate. It will gladly hang out with anybody, regardless of your past history, how many people you've killed, and whatever else you've done to get it. Like a dog, it loves its master. When it comes to money, even a ruthless bugbear like Leona Helmsley can feel wanted.
Good news for dorky people: The good thing about money is that should you get your hands on a nice chunk of it, you'll have certain powers you never had before. Like David Copperfield, the Magician/Dorky Guy who beds the supermodel. Is it his good looks? Nah. Ability to make cheese disappear with a wave? Unh uh. It's his magical wallet. Never empty. It makes supermodels magically appear.
Somehow the importance of money doesn't strike that many people in college. Just a few-they're the ones that are willing to work in the dining halls spraying Shrimp Flavor Spray on the egg rolls, or patrolling dorms and yelling at you. But for the rest, money holds little importance.
There are far too many other things to worry about-where you can find a keg party on Friday, how you'll avoid the person you slept with yesterday, and what to do with the body of the pledge you accidentally hazed to death. There aren't any homeless college students. And the ones that do look homeless are usually the ones with the most money. They're just slumming for four years until they go back to the mansion and run small portions of the country.
You can drink at such little cost that you can afford to throw plastic cups of beer at your friends. Food is awful but cheap, if not free. Dates aren't the expensive Dinner-Theater-Nightcap ventures that they become in the Real World, but much cheaper Drinks-Bed ventures instead.
In fact, it's almost a cash-free society. A big ol' commune, where even if you're an obnoxious Californian that drives a Porsche you're still in the same boat as the penniless guy from Jersey. You can pal around. Be good friends. Roommates. Drink together. Study together. But enter the Real World: Porsche Guy manages his dad's multi-billion dollar corporation and Jersey guy manages his dad's multi-salami pizza joint. Pals? Roommates? Hanging out at the same bar? Don't think so.
Maybe we'd be better off without money, like in Star Trek. But hey, it's there, and you should try to get it before somebody else does. Think of how boring life would be without money. It gives you something to count. And if you're a strange and twisted 12-year old like I was, it gives you something to iron (Cotton/Linen setting). It lets you buy things. Gives you a sense of importance. And if you're actually making some, it makes your dad feel good to know you're not a complete dud. Especially after he forked over $65,000 of his hard-earned money to teach you not to be a dud.
As time goes on, money gets more and more exciting. There are more things you can do with it. Like Mutual Funds and IRAs and Mustang Ranch. You can invest it in evil petrochemical companies. Get good lawyers. Join exclusive country clubs. Get to the top of the organ recipient's list. You'll learn the meaning of "tax shelter" and "audit." In fact, you'll spend many a moment thinking about money.
And it just gets better and better. Especially as you get closer to being dead. It's a measure of all your accomplishments in life. After all, people grimace when they hear of someone dying a pauper. So, the natural conclusion is that they'd be thrilled to hear you died filthy rich. When was the last time the New York Times had a front page obituary for someone just because he was a really nice guy? Never. It's always the magnates, the moguls and the multi-mills that get covered. The really nice dead guy gets a half-inch on page D-38.
So there it is. At least when it comes to obtaining money, you've given yourself a good head start by being born in America. In fact, it's probably one of the few countries in the world where you can actually make a fortune. Even absurdly stupid people like Pauly Shore can make money. Sad, but good to know.
In fact, you will probably spend more on beer in a week than a Nigerian makes in a year. So go forth and multiply those dollars. And remember: No matter what, you can be completely penniless but still be happy. So say the rich.
* Ricki Lake, the obese and unpleasant actress/talk-show host I had to sit next to in my Ithaca College public speaking class, was a bothersome and egotistical large person, but she makes more money than I do.
* My best friend's dad had Abbie Hoffman for a college roommate. Abbie made a good living as a radical. More than my best friend's father who went into the lumber business.
* A freelance copywriter bills $55 an hour. That makes a freelance fry-o-later guy feel pretty lousy at $4.50 an hour. But the freelance copywriter feels even worse when he hears about the $200 an hour lawyer.
* Good careers are engineering and physical therapy. They make money upon graduation.
* A bad career is anything else. Especially if it's artsy. The arts don't pay. Jesse Helms was right, the bastard.
* Throughout life, people will try to relieve you of your money. Try to notice.
* If you have lots of money, don't tell people because they'll sue you.
* If you don't have lots of money, don't tell people because they'll avoid you.
* If you hold up a $10 bill (or higher) to a light, you'll see a strip running down the left side, about an inch from the end. You can pull it out (a felony). It says something on it.
* If you stopped drinking right now, you'd save tons of money. But you probably wouldn't be happy.