It's that time again, you've just gotten back your first big paper and, well, sure, C++ is a great computer language, but it's not a red hot grade. What to do? Take heart. Get out from under the bed. You haven't sabotaged your grad school career (Is that an oxymoron? Just kidding.) yet. Read on and be inspired, for you too can achieve the
1. Use the word paradigm (as in twenty cents). This is the latest buzzword in academia and beyond. If you really want to be hip, use the term paradigm shift. It doesn't matter if you know what it means -- no one does; it was just invented by those so and sos at ETS in Princeton to give them a new vocab word to confound you with on the GREs and SATs. (Ahh, remember: "Elevator is to muscle as onion is to...?" The right answer always involves paradigms in some way.)
2. If you're not sure of your facts, never let that fact slip. Just write It is well known that..., As has been previously established... or Any idiot knows that.... These introductions make you sound like you know what you're talking about. Forget the footnote. Nobody will check, besides, who likes footnotes anyway, they just distract you from the body of the work.1
3. Avoid using the term, like, unless you've like, just done field interviews with like, lots of teenagers; or if you are using a simile (look it up).
4. Don't use too many different fonts or fancy stuff. Hey, a new computer is an exciting toy, but save the wild stuff for those gag business cards you give to your friends. Just take a look at this and tell me it isn't incredibly annoying.
5. Avoid excessive use of exclamation points. There is something truly unnerving about too many exclamation points! They make you look like you write for "Cosmo magazine"!! Or "Tiger Beat"!!! That Jason Priestly is sooo cute!!!!
6. For social science or humanities papers, always use the word empowered. As in, "It is so empowering to write this essay. I feel self-actualized and highly effective to be in this class. I feel I am truly evolving, intellectually and spiritually, as a whole human being. Please please please give me an A."
7. If you're writing an essay on a book you haven't read, and you can't find the movie on cable or video, just quickly thumb through the book and pick one character. Then take that character apart from an existentialist perspective. Make sure you repeat their name a lot (and don't misspell it or you'll give yourself away).
For example:
Tess of the D'Urbevilles no doubt felt enormously angst-filled over her name, Tess of the D'Urbevilles. No one else in "those days" (technical history term) was ever called Tess. Also, she wasn't really from the Ville of D'Urbe, hence her constant alienation.
Or, if all else fails, compare any character to Ebenezer Scrooge. Everyone and their aunt has at least heard of him, and, Dickens is respected in most literary circles so he's a safe bet. So try:
Tess of the D'Urbevilles, much like Ebenezer Scrooge, was an underempowered human being, living in a state of alienation in her day. Just about everyone was alienated in great literature, and existentialism is almost as hot as paradigm shifts.
8. To ensure an essay of sufficient length, try the revolutionary and innovative technique known as Repetitive Redundancy Technique. It's called the Repetitive Redundancy Technique. Here's how it works.
Your original sentence:
Tess of the D'Urbevilles was an unusual woman in her day.
New and Improved Version:
Tess of the D'Urbevilles was an unusual woman in her day. In her day, Tess of the D'Urbevilles was highly unusual. There wasn't anyone like her in those days, not even her mother, because Tess of the D'Urbevilles really was unusual in her day.
9. Other essay-fattening techniques that are highly effective are adjectives and synonyms. Got a thesaurus? If not, drop everything and get one now. Textbooks are expensive. You won't need any of them if you've got Roget's best. Here's your sentence again:
Tess of the D'Urbevilles was an unusual woman in her day.
With a little help from your hand-dandy thesaurus:
Tess of the D'Urbevilles, a torrid, urban Ville, was an unusual, unique, original and outstanding woman, female, person, in her long, arduous, and challenging day.
Just look at those words! More than double your pleasure!!! Try combining the techniques in tips number eight and nine and your essay has written itself.
10. What if your essay is too long?
Yah, right.
1 La la la, blah blah blah, no one is reading this, doo dee doo, oh shit! Um, yeah, Thoreau, uh, that big book, he said something about this in it, I think...uh, look it up.